Intimacy

I woke up today in the early morning, dead quiet, pitch black and it all seemed too familiar. Too comfortable for me. The loneliness, the desert, I know I am in it because God put me in it. Only God takes us to the desert. To get closer to us, to whisper, to teach. I am just afraid to listen, to get too close. Intimacy scares me, but it is what I desire the most. Relationships scare me but it is what I dream of the most. To know someone closely and still love them, to love them even more when they’re not perfect, and their hair is a little greasy and their dark circles are a little darker because they’ve been working so much. To love someone because they work hard, and are passionate, and listen to the same song a million times. Oh to be loved. Better yet, to be able to love. I remember being a little girl shopping with my mom, and seeing flowers and telling her “my husband is going to bring me flowers every day just because.” And for some reason that keeps coming back into my mind, and it makes me want to cry. I was so innocent, I was so hopeful for love. I don’t want to let her down. I want her to have the life she’s always dreamt of. 

Anyway, back to the desert. I need to lean in. I need to stop making myself so busy.