To the girl on the Hello Kitty blowup chair listening to Kenny G

March 5, 2020

12:36AM

I know how you feel. You’re 7 years old. How can the world be crumbling around you and no one else notice it? How are you supposed to carry this gaping void everywhere when you haven’t even learned long division yet? It’s been days since you’ve been hiding in your room to cry and listen to Kenny G. Why is this happening? Is because of my dad? You’re crying but you’re so proud of saving money to buy that Hello Kitty blowup chair. And I’m so proud of you too. The more you cry the bigger the void gets. And you don’t know why you’re crying. 

Soon you’ll be ok. You’ll clean up like the energizer bunny you are. Perfectionist to a T, with your planners and your emergency kits. I get it now. I get you now. I’m sorry no one saw it. I’m sorry you were so ashamed of being the sensitive one. And you couldn’t understand why you were so different, why you were the weak link in such a strong family. 

If I could, I would be there for you that day. Where you cried yourself to sleep on that chair. Empty as a drum. I know how you feel. I still feel that way. But now I know it’s not our fault. Somewhere something went haywire in us. And it’s never been our fault. We did what we could. We coped and cried. And kicked and screamed. And we got stronger because we did the best we could with what we have. 

Today I’m wondering if things would be different if anyone knew sooner. Would I be better? Would there be less heartache? Would I have been more stable? 

It’s just Sharon being Sharon. 

Being Sharon always seemed so bad. So cumbersome. So much work. So weak. I know you were scared they’d hospitalize you. Or medicate you. “Sharon just needs controlled medication!” Those words still linger today. So you pretended to be okay. And God knows how many nights you just felt like dying. And how many days you just performed who you thought they wanted. 

Maybe that’s why you observe so well. You were taking notes on being the perfect mix of everything everyone loved. When you just wanted to be loved. 

I’m sorry we didn’t know. I’m sorry no one saw you. I’m sorry I can’t go back to change things. But I love you. It’s not your fault. I forgive us for being sad, and angry and euphoric all at once. I forgive you for being the Sharon you knew how to be. That goes for 7, 11, 15, 19, 21, 23 and now. You all were the best you could be with what you knew then. Thank you for pushing until this day. 

I will do better for us. I will do better for you.