The End of Myself

I almost gave up yesterday. It’s hard to admit to the thoughts that come through my mind sometimes. It’s shameful to think that I can get to such a dark place in my mind. Sometimes it’s just too easy to get lost in the loneliness, to have exhausted the entire contact list and not have anyone to answer you, or at least anyone that will answer without bringing you even lower. I noticed people have a hard time listening. If it doesn’t serve them in any way it is a waste of their time to sit there and listen to someone else’s problem. That’s why I write this, because I choose to listen to myself. I needed to stop searching outside of myself for the things I needed to survive, it isn’t the easiest path, it’s deadly quiet on this side, but at least I know that I am doing this because I want to make sure I stay alive. Is that a little dramatic to say? Perhaps. Or perhaps it’s dramatic to you who has never dealt with a mental illness your entire life. Who doesn’t understand that circumstances have been so painful and detrimental to someone’s mind that it doesn’t work like yours does. Maybe I am a little angry today. A little fed up with always being the one who is understanding, who is always trying to compromise and not burden anyone with what I go through. Yesterday the storm in my mind was greater than it has been in a long time, triggered by words that were intended to bring me down. And I can’t pretend that it didn’t, I can’t lie to myself and say I wasn’t defeated again. The wounds I thought had scarred over tore open and bled all night last night and all day today. I was ashamed to be where I used to be yet again. To have let so many traumatizing words get into my mind again, yesterday I lost. I came to the end of myself again. But I try not to forget that at the end of myself He is always there. He is the only way I’ve learned to stay alive. My mind is only at peace when I sit with Him. He listens even when I don’t have words. My breath is enough for Him to comprehend my pain. I tried not to hide today, I tried not to pretend like I was okay. But I was silent and didn’t have the words to come to Him, so I just sat with my posture towards Him. He hasn’t given up on me yet, which means He won’t give up today even though I almost did. I just can’t help but wonder what is it that brings me back here? Am I missing something? Is there something my mind cannot comprehend, therefore the lesson needs to keep going? What is it about the mind that it lives in cycles? I wish I had answers. Until then I will sit with Him in silence. It is the only place my mind is at ease. He will rebuild me again, He will continue to align my brokenness until wholeness is my name. If the breaking means I am one step closer to being who He made me to be, then I gladly will take this. The end of myself is always the beginning of Him.