Wherever You Are

A lot of people in the Christian faith talk about how God makes us go through certain things, overcome, to then help someone out of a similar situation. At times I want to believe this, and it’s not like I have the most unique case of struggles and mountains to climb. However, there are so many parts of myself that wants to hide this side of me, the love addict, the depressed and broken girl that still sometimes comes up from inside of me. Yet, if this can reach you, just one person that feels any of this chaos in your mind. You’re not alone. Wherever you are. The idea that no one would ever understand my pain kept me deeper in my pain, it wasn’t until I decided to start empathizing with myself rather than punishing myself that things began to change. For those that know me, know that I have an infamous habit of starting something, and shortly after shutting it down immediately. It’s this deep pang of regret that hits me as soon as I express myself, whether it be through photography, writing, painting, etc. I feel bare, like I need to retreat quickly before anyone gets a chance to see me. I have that urge to tear down every thought I’ve shared so far. But I won’t. I can’t, it feels like I’m suffocating if I don’t put this out there. What am I hiding? What am I afraid of hearing? It’s what I already know. I live in cycles. And for what? To be loved. Love to me is the only thing that I can imagine makes anyone feel alive. I used to believe that it was romantic love that gave this to us, and solely romantic love. The young naïve version of myself chased this because I had never really gotten it fully anywhere else, so I assumed it must have been where I haven’t reached yet. Don’t get me wrong, there was love growing up, but it seemed scarce, it seemed like work. And then life happens, and going through the motions of getting things done I started to notice the collateral beauty. I stopped and looked around to other beautiful things, started to savor the flavors, and let melodies inundate the parts of me that were so empty. I found that love, God, is at the end, middle and beginning of everything. This desire that I have is much greater than just being loved, it’s a desire to live. Whereas before I spent so many of my younger years thinking that I wanted to die because there was so much pain, when in all actuality I just wanted more of being alive and didn’t know how to do it.